Choosing Your Maid of Honor
Choosing Your Maid of Honor can be a very daunting task because often the role is neither clearly defined nor effectively communicated by either party. Although most brides have a predetermined agenda of what the duties of the Maid of Honor might entail, these ideas are often left unspoken, leaving the bride’s attendant to function under assumptions that may not be entirely favorable to those of the Bride. Communication is critical to the smooth running operation of the ceremonial events, and sometimes a bit of social grace and etiquette is required to effectively portray the bride’s desires.
The Maid of Honor is often considered the best friend and confidant of the bride, preceding her down the aisle to the altar immediately before the bride makes her grand entrance. Her role is also assumed to be that of caretaker to a nervous bride, organizer of the wedding planning itinerary, assistant to the bride in the choosing of the wedding gown, and perhaps even the headmaster to the other bridesmaids.
The wide range of specific duties of a Maid of Honor might include sending out the invitations, hosting the bridal shower, assisting the bride in registering for gifts, and planning the bachelorette party. In short, the Maid of Honor is the bride’s closest supporter and ally, whose main purpose is to help alleviate nervousness, frustration and tension as the blessed event draws ever closer.
There are many misconceptions regarding proper etiquette in the selection of the Maid of Honor. Choose well to ensure a pleasant event, rather than a stressful calamity.
Remember, the term is called “Maid of Honor”. This choice should be based on the bride’s needs and expectations, not on those of other family members or friends.
• If the bride happens to have a sister, it is not automatically guaranteed that she will be the obvious choice.
• Nor is the Maid of Honor required to be a family member of any sort.
• A best friend and long-term confidant may be the best person to fulfill this cherished role, especially if she has a calming and nurturing affect on the bride.
• Be clear in the details of responsibilities that you would like the Maid of Honor to perform, such as making a speech at the reception or handling worrisome relatives.
• If you are having difficulty in deciding between two close friends or relatives, it is not unheard of to have two Maids of Honor.
• If you decide to break tradition and ask two friends to share in the admirable position, be certain to define and assign the different duties to each participant. This will help to avoid competition and jealousy.
• It is important to select a Maid of Honor who can attend all of the wedding activities, and who can assist in their planning. Very often the Maid of Honor will be asked to finance the bachelorette party and perhaps the bridal shower as well. The bride should take this into consideration prior to making her selection to enhance the comfort level of all in attendance at these festivities.
• The Maid of Honor should be someone on whom the bride can completely depend for emotional support. On the day of the wedding, the Maid of Honor should be entirely focused on the bride, on her appearance, and on her enjoyment of the celebration. She is to ensure that the bride looks perfect at all times, during and after the ceremony, adjusting here dress or train if needed or perhaps holding her flowers.
• Because this position is truly an Honor, the Bride should make particular efforts to make the Maid of Honor feel special, appreciated, and valued. A unique gift from the bride and groom is not uncommon, as well as perhaps a special day of spa treatments or a dinner invitation by the bride to a fancy restaurant in the week preceding the ceremony. The Maid of Honor should also be allowed the added privilege of a slightly different design of dress, to allow her to stand out a bit more from the other bridesmaids.
• In the absence of a ring bearer, the Maid of Honor is also usually entrusted with the wedding ring that will be placed on the hand of the groom by the bride at the altar. Proper Etiquette recommends that the groom’s ring be worn on the Maid of Honor’s finger until the proper moment in the wedding ceremony.
The Responsibilities of the Maid of Honor
From the time we are little girls playing dress-up in their mother’s clothes, we have long been dreaming of our perfect wedding day. Many young women would like to first be chosen as a Maid of Honor by their best friend before preparing for their own bridal event.
It is considered very fashionable to be chosen as a Maid of Honor, but the position does not come without its fair share of responsibilities. Below are but a few of the expectations often associated with the coveted role of Maid of Honor.
1. The wedding invitationswill need to be sent. A “Save the Date” announcement may be in order. The Maid of Honor will be expected to assist in the organization and distribution of these announcements and perhaps be expected to attend the engagement dinner as well.
2. Proper wedding etiquette dictates that the Maid of Honor be in attendance for all prenuptial festivities with the exception of the groom’s “stag” party, which is considered poor form.
3. The organization of a wedding shower for the bride and groom would be a sweet gesture.
4. Since wedding etiquette states that the groom is not to view the bride in her wedding dress until the day of the ceremony, it is considered a primary duty of the Maid of Honor to accompany the bride in the selection and purchase of the wedding gown.
5. She will oversee all necessary tailoring and alterations of the wedding dress as requested by the bride, making certain that the bride will look perfect on her wedding day without fail.
6. The Maid of Honor should not only attend all dress fittings, rehearsals, bridal showers and other dates, but should be on-time, if not early. The Maid of Honor is not to incur additional stress on the bride.
7. An added responsibility of the Maid of Honor might also include supplying the flower petals that are to be showered upon the bride and groom as they leave the church to begin their life of wedded bliss.
8. If a flower girl is chosen to be part of the bridal entourage, it is often the Maid of Honor who provides instruction to the child on her role in the ceremony as well as act as guardian of the child during the wedding event.
9. Proper wedding etiquette clearly states that the Maid of Honor be early to the church on the day of the wedding to assist the bride in her preparation for her grand entrance and walk down the aisle. It is recommended that she arrive no less than two hours preceding to supervise all bridesmaids in looking their best so that the day will be of the utmost positive experience for the happy couple.
10. She should leave nothing to chance by consulting in advance with the Best Man to make certain that he is aware of his responsibilities as well.
11. Proper etiquette also dictates that the responsibility of perfect placement and careful management of the bride’s train fall to the Maid of Honor. Her entire focus should always be on the impeccable appearance of the bride at all times.
12. When the time comes for the bride and groom to exchange wedding rings, the Maid of Honor is expected to hold the wedding bouquet for the bride, but must not forget to return the flowers at the appropriate point in the ceremony.
13. In the rare occurrence of a double-ring ceremony, she will be assigned the task of providing the ring of the groom to the officiating minister at the precise moment in the ceremony.
14. Following traditional protocol and etiquette, the Maid of Honor will assist with the coordination of the wedding photographer, ensuring that the wedding party is properly identified, including the parents of the bride and groom, their grandparents, and all other important parties. She should make certain that the photographs taken are tasteful and appropriate.
15. She provides witness to the signing of the marriage certificate.
16. The Maid of Honor is expected to be a member of the receiving line at the reception, traditionally standing to the groom’s left with the other bridesmaids standing to her left.
17. Together with the cooperation and coordination of the Best Man, she will assist in the ceremonial departure of the newly wedded couple at the most appropriate time.
Choosing a Maid of Honor that Will Help Make your Wedding Day an Event!
The last thing that a bride wants on her wedding day is an assortment of unexpected surprises. Choose your Maid of Honor carefully to ensure that your event goes off as planned. The Maid of Honor should be someone in whom you place your trust completely, someone who knows your personality traits, both good and bad, and who will still make every effort to see that your day proceeds as planned.
Be clear in your mind about the qualities that you desire in a Maid of Honor. Do you need someone to be with you every step of the way, from the sending of the invitations to the last wave goodbye as you leave the reception? Or are you preparing to hire a wedding planner to attend to every detail, so then the primary characteristic that you desire in a Maid of Honor is for someone with whom you can enjoy the experience to its highest potential? Or perhaps your perfect choice has qualities that lie somewhere in between?
If you are high-maintenance, embrace it. Be honest with yourself and with your Maid of Honor. Choose someone who knows well your personality traits. Be honest and clear about what sort of assistance that you will need from your Maid of Honor. If you are in need of an abundance of support, but your top choice does not have that amount of time to offer, look for other solutions. Perhaps your fiancé can become more involved. Or maybe your parents or future in-laws can offer some assistance. The Maid of Honor does not necessarily have to be the co-coordinator of all of the festivities that lead up to and include the wedding day itself.
Be specific about what you want your Maid of Honor to do. Many brides have spent their entire lives planning their wedding day, so they can easily forget that the Maid of Honor was not privy to all of the childhood daydreams and machinations of a young girl playing dress up in her mother’s closet. Don’t expect that the Maid of honor can read your mind. Communicate clearly what you would like her to do, what part you would like her to play in your perfect day.
No matter how much you are looking forward to your wedding day, no matter how much you anticipate becoming a new bride, the day itself can still be very stressful regardless of the amount of preparation you have placed into it. Many a bride has shed a tear over unexpected occurrences that normally wouldn’t even cause them to take notice. Perhaps you would like your Maid of Honor to give a loving speech or toast at the reception. If you don’t ask her in advance, it may not happen. Worse yet, she may actually believe she is making your day even more memorable for you by not stealing any of your limelight. Be specific. Be clear. Be honest.
There is no “rule” in who you choose to be your Maid of Honor. You don’t have to choose your little sister, or your closest female cousin or relative. You can choose whomever you like that will make your wedding day, and the events leading up to it, the most positive experience imaginable. If you need loads of help with the flowers, the dress, the caterer selection, the reception venue, the guest list, the organization of the wedding party, and so on, then don’t choose someone who lives 3000 miles away, even if it is your best friend in the whole world.
She’ll understand. It’s your day. It’s your wedding.
Or perhaps choose TWO friends to be your Maids of Honor. No rules, remember? Then maybe that best friend from across the country can still have a positive impact on your wedding festivities. But be careful to choose compatible Maids. You don’t want jealousy or arguments ruining your enjoyment. And be sure to still clearly divide and assign the necessary tasks for each Maid of Honor to be certain of the smoothest running ceremony possible.
Be realistic. It may be an important factor to take into account their past performance traits. Everyone gets excited when a wedding is first announced. People always offer to help in the preparation. But how many actually follow through? Look for a Maid of Honor that has proven herself in the past by being there when times were tough, or when it was inconvenient.
Take a reasonable vantage point of their available amount of time to assist in the planning.
Perhaps a top choice has recently given birth to her first child. Is it really fair to expect your wedding to take precedence over the constant care of a newborn? All people have their limitations, and no matter how important you view your wedding day to be, it is next to impossible to demand time from an already overly committed friend. If you can incorporate some help from others to make up for her lack of availability, then perhaps she is still a viable choice. But make sure that you will not end up feeling neglected or resentful. This can cause undue stress in the long-term well-being of your relationship.
Every Maid of Honor will have her limitations, both in time and abilities.
Choose carefully, but always remember to enjoy the journey. A wedding is more than just the ceremony in front of a preacher. It is the enjoyment received from planning and building a life between two people who want to spend the rest of their lives together. Don’t lose sight of this small fact, and embrace the chaos from the engagement party, to the shopping for the wedding gown, to the choice of reception hall, to the auditions for the entertainment, to the selection of the church. A Maid of Honor can make this voyage pleasurable and fun, or can cause more stress and heartache if your expectations are too high.